You can’t make this stuff up. Read on for tales of witchcraft, devil worship, a defrocked cleric, visitors from outer space, alien abductions, a penis-eating hyena and then something totally unbelievable from Defence Secretary Raychelle Omamo.

WHICH DOCTOR IS THAT THEN?

The Embu Council of Elders have levelled a serious accusation against acting Governor Dorothy Nditi, namely that she is protecting herself from political opponents by using witchcraft and council chairman Andrew Njeru says he has the evidence to back up the claim.

Njeru says Nditi sought the services of a witchdoctor (he didn’t actually say which doctor) on March 18 when she drove to Mbere North with two other people. It’s wrong, said Njeru, for a Christian to seek the help of “weird forces”.

Dorothy Nditi took office a few months ago after the then governor Martin Wambora was impeached (he obviously wasn’t protected by dark forces).

Nditi says she has never visited a witchdoctor and that the allegations are all lies aimed at putting her under pressure to stand aside.

WORLD NEWS – HYENA EATS PENIS

A Mr Chamangeni Zulu from Malawi does not deny that he went to a traditional healer but healed he was not.

The traditional healer advised Mr Zulu that he would become rich if he sacrificed his body parts.

“I went to a bush” said Mr Zulu, “where I was instructed to be naked and a hyena came to me and started eating my toes, eventually my manhood was eaten”.

Who was madder, asks the Kenya Forum? The ‘healer’ who gave the advice or the man who took it and stood there whilst being eaten by a hyena?

DEFROCKING THE DOCTOR

The Presbyterian Church of East Africa have defrocked a former moderator, Dr David Githii, over claims that he has made regarding devil worship and other activities going on in the church.

“What I said is true”, responded Dr Githii. “Devil worship has been practiced in the church since th 1990s while homosexuality has been rife since 2001”. Quite why Githii was so precise as to when homosexuality became “rife” he didn’t say.

“We are aware that Dr Githii made several assertions in regard to what he termed ‘satanic symbols’ in our church”, responded moderator David Gathanju. “These are his personal opinions that the church found to have no biblical or theological basis”.

Dr Githii is the author of ‘Exposing and conquering Satanic Forces over Kenya’: rush out and buy it.

SERIOUS ABOUT SIRIUS?

The Kenya Forum is tempted to ask Dr Githii, what planet are you on? But there’s at least one man who thinks it could be the Sirius binary system.

A Mr Weldon Oriop Kirui from Koln in Germany, wrote a letter to the Daily Nation which for some unfathomable reason it duly published in its ‘Talking Point’ column.

It’s a long letter so here are just some of the salient points

The lost Malaysian airbus flight MH370 might not be at the bottom of the Indian Ocean but rather it was flown into outer space by aliens. It could have been hijacked, wrote Mr Kirui, ‘by aliens from Sirius A, B and C stars’.

Some African tribes, such as the Zulus, Maasai, Kalenjin, and the Dogons of West Africa, might be the best ones to know the answer, says Kirui, because they had contact with extra-terrestrials a long time ago.

‘My submission is that these Africans had contacts with extra-terrestrial visitors – the Nommons who taught them astronomical facts’, he wrote. Ah yes, the Nommons, had forgotten about them.

‘I still maintain that the Pyramids of Giza in Cairo were built by extra-terrestrial visitors from Sirius C some 5,000 years ago’, concluded Kirui.

Mr Kirui’s theories were published in the Nation under the headline, would you believe, ‘Did aliens fly Malaysia Airlines plane to space? Outlandish but possible’.

WESTGATE SUCCESS

In a recent State-of-the-Nation briefing by the cabinet at Harambee House in Nairobi, Defence Secretary Raychelle Omamo put forward the example of the handling of the Westgate terrorist attack as one of the Jubilee government’s achievements since taking power.

Would that be the Westgate attack where the KDF exchanged shots with the police, then spent three days drinking and looting the mall before firing grenades into the building and setting it on fire?

Now what planet is Ms Omamo on we ask?